Cycling - The Racing Post

Cycle Logic - Everything you never wanted to know about group riding

By Diana North
February 2010

One of my New Year's resolutions was to not let my lack of expertise get in the way of my opinions on cycling. So rather than come up with some list of accomplishments to lose in the pile of papers on my desk and find in 2012, I decided to share my hard won but unasked-for advice for new and not-so-new cyclists who want to try riding in a pace line.

These informative tips will help newbies prepare for, and survive, most group rides. It will also spare seasoned cyclists the trouble of explaining-over and over and over-what they already know but sometimes choose to ignore.

Here they are in no particular order:

Show up before ride time. I can't believe I have to say this, don't make me elaborate.
Bring your own stuff. Tubes, Co2, tire levers, patch kit, filled water bottles and snacks are de rigueur. Then, learn how to use them. Real studs will have folding tires and an old-school frame-mounted bike pump. Nothing hurts your popularity more than frequent mooching.
Service your ride or take it to your mechanic. Don't be the you-know-what with parts falling off mid-ride, because then other riders have to dodge them, fix them or wait around for your ambulance.
Develop a strong stomach. If the sight of ripe, mutilated road kill makes you get dry heaves, road cycling may not be for you. If you can't stand having sweat, snot, warm runny Gu, water mixed with whatever, bike grease or rain mixed with road filth anywhere on your skin-stay home and do crossword puzzles.
Expect to be dropped. You will be. All you don't know is how often, how soon or how much you'll sulk about it afterward.
Be able to tolerate colorful language. Better yet, learn to use it yourself. It feels good, it makes you ride better and it will really help your attitude. I make no promises about your popularity, however.
Have a sense of humor. Being able to laugh while enduring extreme pain is a valuable skill that is useful in real life. It also wastes less energy than sobbing.
If you screw up don't be too quick to say you're sorry. Don't take any crap. Unless you deserve it, and then accept it with whatever humility you can manage.
Embrace your anger. Where is it written that certain emotions are "good" while others are "bad?" Anger has no interest in being managed; it's there to help you ride better.
Pull your weight-don't be a constant wheel sucker. The pace line is no place for freeloaders. Take your pulls or fry yourself trying.
No whining. The saying among my bike club buddies is "there's no whining in cycling." Of course, you will still do it. But at least know better than to expect sympathy. Sympathy takes energy that shouldn't be wasted on whiners.
Practice creative excuse making. If you don't, you'll feel inadequate when other riders recite their colorful litany of reasons why they weren't riding like a Tour contender that day. Here are a few hints to get started: exotic diseases, 90-hour work weeks, decades of being off the bike, secret instructions from world famous coaches, and chronic weekend partying syndrome.
If you're female, grow a (figurative) pair. Show up with some attitude. If you think you can't-fake it. This is no time to get all prissy.
If you're male, just because you have a pair does not make you superior. Remember, there is always someone faster, stronger and more famous than you. And there are plenty of women around who will be happy to remind you of that.
Dedicate a room in your home as a bike shrine. Trust me on this one. If you don't, bike stuff will accumulate in all different places like your vehicles and garage and every other corner in your house. Better to just accept that bikes and all their paraphernalia have taken over your life. Embrace it. Bikes are art.
Have at least some cyclists in your social circle. If you don't, no one will ever really listen to you. Nobody but a cyclist gives a crap about your last race, your training regimen or the fact that you spend half your take-home pay on bike stuff.
Remind yourself often that cyclists have issues with telling the truth. Most of them will inflate average speeds and mileage. Stories about rides you didn't participate in are automatically suspect. Promises to "go easy" on upcoming group rides are bald-faced lies. Do not believe them. That way, when you end up grinding out the ride from Hell after deciding to do the recovery ride you know you needed-you'll put the blame where it belongs. You believed it-your fault.

Last of all, if this is the year you'll take up riding a bike; don't say I didn't warn you.